Card From Lauren

We got a card from Lauren in the mail the other day and she included some recent ultrasound pictures. We were so excited! Here's the cute profile one. I also loved the one that said "I have hair" :) At the time of the ultrasound, which was a couple of weeks ago, he was estimated to weigh 5 lbs 3 oz. Looks like we won't be needing Hayden's premie clothes for him! We've been busy around here. All the Christmas decorations are put away, we got out all the baby stuff, have been sorting through it, washed all the 0-3 clothes, and are trying to get organized. We have to pack for the 4 of us to live in a hotel for up to 2 weeks. Hopefully we'll be packed and ready in the next few days so we can just sit back and wait for the call to head to Kansas.

Countdown...

It's been awhile since our last post. Things are still on track. We've had some speed bumps here and there but each and every time it all worked out. There were a few things on the medical records that caused my heart to skip a beat but both times the unexpected codes that caused me some anxiety were for billing purposes rather than diagnoses. Another situation came up where Lauren wanted to plan to deliver via c-section. Since it was not medically necessary, insurance would not cover it. We heard that she mentioned to the doctor that we'd cover it out of pocket. This was not something we were okay with (for her safety, the baby's safety, and financially) and were hoping that it wouldn't be a deal breaker. After a week of prayer and uncertainty, we heard back from the agency that she had changed her mind and they hadn't even had to have the hard conversation with her about us not being okay with it. Praise God! I was in tears I was so relieved. Todd, on the other hand, has been a rock through it all. He doesn't let his mind or emotions run wild. He's always right there when all the "what ifs" start for me, constantly reminding me that God is faithful and reminding me that each and every time things have gotten a bit rocky they always come back to smooth ground. I'm so thankful for his strength. This process has been full of ups and downs but the lessons we're learning about God and ourselves though it all have been amazing. I read something yesterday and it went something like this..."these are moments that make our spiritual bones stronger and less likely to fracture under the burdens of this life." This rang so true. Personally, I know I never would be as close to God as I am today had we not have had these tough times. I'm grateful for the lessons and challenges as they strengthen our walk with Him.

We got a medical update this past week and it looks as if Lauren might be a week further along than originally suspected. So, time seems to be quickly approaching. We haven't started packing or looking into Kansas hotels yet, but we'll be doing that very soon. Hayden is excited, always asking if it's time to go to Kansas to see his baby brother, talking about things he wants to show him, and worries about which of his toys are too small for his baby brother to play with. He's so sweet and is going to make an amazing big brother. If all goes as planned, we'll be welcoming another son into our lives in about a month! Crazy! We can't wait to meet him :)

Amazing Girl!

We're home and thrilled with how well the visit went! Todd and I arrived at the agency on Friday and spent about an hour talking with the social worker before Lauren came. We were in a conference room when the secretary came and said that Lauren had arrived. The social worker left to go to the front desk and get her. Todd and I were alone, looking at each other, whispering "oh my goodness, this is really happening!". As soon as the door to the conference room opened Lauren came directly to me and hugged me, one of those long, understanding kind of hugs. The tears were already starting for both of us. My heart was racing and she talked of how nervous she'd been to meet us. She brought her dad's girlfriend (who has been in her life since she was a little girl) with her. Once all the introductions and hugs were done we sat around the conference room table and talked. We didn't know what to expect, but we got pretty deep, pretty quick. The thing that struck us most about Lauren was how concerned for our feelings and the baby's feeling she was. You could tell she had thought through all of it. She brought up the fact that we must be nervous that she might change her mind and said that she wanted to assure us that she was fully committed to the adoption and would have signed the papers that day if she could. She asked us to rest easy for the next few months because the adoption was going to happen. I think at that point Todd and I let out some of the breathe we've been holding for months. We still know that she could change her mind and has every right to, however we are breathing a little easier now. She also asked how and when we'd tell him about her and what we'd say. We talked about how we don't plan to keep the fact that he's adopted from him, that as soon as he's old enough to understand that we'll be talking about it, that Hayden already knows about adoption because we're very open in our home about the process we're going through. Lauren asked that we make sure to tell him that she loved him very much and was doing this out of love for him, that she just couldn't take care of him the way he deserved at this time in her life. Needless to say, it was a very emotional discussion for all of us. Lauren also asked questions like if there are any other bi-racial kids that he'll be exposed to and the type of schooling we're planning for him. She was so happy to know that we live in a diverse area, that the schools are diverse, and that there are other bi-racial families within our church. We then talked about the delivery. She asked if I'd like to be in the delivery room with her! So, if we make it in time, I'll be in there! The hospital where she's planning to deliver only allows one person in the operating room if it's a c-section and she also asked that that person be me. I was so touched. After talking for awhile, the five of us went to dinner. We were all in separate cars so on the way to dinner I opened the gift that she brought us. It was a small pewter box filled with inspirational rocks. The last rock I picked up said "believe" and had a cross on it. So perfect! It just reminded me again how good God is. We could totally feel His presence with us.

Lauren picked a Japanese Hibachi restaurant. We had the grill to ourselves and enjoyed our meal together. Found out that she's a die-hard Colts fan so she and Todd had lots to talk about (that's his favorite team as well!). At the end of the dinner the social worker asked if she'd be okay with a picture of the three of us. She had mentioned that she doesn't love getting pictures taken but said that if she put herself in the baby's shoes she knew that someday he might want to see a picture of her. So, she said, for him she'd take the picture. We then shared another hug and thanked each other. This wasn't your typical "thank you". This thanks held so much meaning. We were thanking her for picking us to parent her child and for being so thoughtful of our feelings. She was thanking us for the years to come of us caring for her son. We cannot say enough about the wonderful person she seems to be. After meeting her this whole thing seems so much more real. We also now feel a bittersweetness that we didn't know before. We're looking forward to January but know that what will be a great day for us most likely will be a very hard day for her. Our hearts hurt for her and we pray that if this is what she feels is best that she will find peace in her decision.

Off to Kansas!

We're off to Kansas bright and early in the morning. Looking forward to meeting the people we've been working so closely with at the agency and then meeting Lauren. We'll be taking her to dinner tomorrow night and getting to know each other. After that, it's back home on the first Saturday morning flight. Please pray for safe travels and for Hayden as we're leaving him in CT. He'll have a blast, I'm sure. It's me that's having the anxiety about flying across the country without him. Looking forward to getting to know Lauren and the agency and having alone time with Todd even if it's just while traveling, but can't wait to be home safe and sound on Saturday! We'll update once we're home and settled.

A Brother or a Sister?

The 20 week ultrasound shows that it's a boy! We are thrilled at the idea of having another baby boy. Hayden is so excited to have a baby brother. Says he wants to teach him how to jump on a pogo stick :) We don't have the medical reports from the 20 week visit yet. However, we did get a urine drug screen and the results of the hair follicle test. The urine tested for current drugs in the mother's system and the hair follicle test shows drug levels over the past 3 months. Both tests came back completely negative! We have flights booked to go to Kansas and meet the birth mother on Friday, September 30th. Things seem to be moving along well. We can't thank everyone enough for the support we are receiving. It means so much to have family and friends walking along side us on this journey. Please continue to pray that this little boy is healthy. Mom later admitted to making some additional unwise choices before she found out she was pregnant. Love to you all.

Match!

Our little man turned 3 years old a couple of weeks ago. For some reason, that milestone really jumpstarted my impatience regarding the adoption process. My thoughts started turning to how far apart in age our kiddos will be and all the scenarios that go along with that. I had to keep reminding myself that it will happen on God's time, not ours. Well, my impatience was short lived, because we finally got the news we've been waiting for...a birth mother picked us as the adoptive parents for her child! Our agency sent us a 2 page social summary on the birth mother including her age (24), race (Caucasian), medical history (wears glasses, history of anxiety), a little bit about her and her personality (Christian, in college, describes herself as "outgoing", says she enjoys movies, family, reading and writing), some family medical history (history of alcoholism and high blood pressure in the family), and information about the 2 potential birth fathers (both aware of pregnancy, both African American, one she has a restraining order against and the other has another baby due with a women he is currently in a relationship with). Based on the paperwork and discussion with the social worker we know that she and her mother came to the agency to develop her adoption plan. Originally they requested a bi-racial couple and a couple with no children. The agency did not have any bi-racial couples to show them. They showed several scrapbooks to them, some with children and some without. The social worker said that she picked us even though we had a son because she felt so good about us after seeing our book. Like all adoptions, there were a couple risk factors with this one as well. However, this has been the least risky one we've reviewed so far. She used Xanax for anxiety and drank alcohol prior to finding out she was pregnant. She does report that she feels awful that she used these substances and has not used any since finding out about her pregnancy (which was when she was about 8 weeks along, we think). She is under OBGYN care and has been taking prenatal vitamins. She has had one ultrasound and should have had a 2nd on August 19th. This would have been her 20 week ultrasound (due date is January 19th, 2012). Results of these medical visits and ultrasounds were not available as of Friday but our agency will be obtaining them. The next step is to fly to Kansas and meet her and her parents which we will most likely do sometime in September. This is all very exciting but I think we're also a bit guarded. A lot of things have to fall into place before we finally bring this baby home. We'd love it if you would please pray with us during these next steps.

Please pray for the health of this child, that the mother would make wise decisions regarding her health, use of medications, etc, that God would protect this child even if the mother isn't, that we'd have patience and peace as we go through these next steps, that we'd trust in God's plan and not get anxious about all the scenarios that could happen (like the mother changing her mind, father not wanting to sign away his rights, wondering if this is for real or if it's just another scam on the birth mother's part in order to get money, etc). We've seen what the power of prayer can do and believe that prayer is the reason we have Hayden. We would be so, so thankful for your prayers over this adoption. We truly have no control over this situation, over the mother and father's decisions, over what the mother eats, drinks, takes, over her feelings about the child, etc. So, we have to turn it over to God and trust in the fact that He is in control. For now, we can cling to Romans 8:28 which says "For we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose."

Twins?

Our agency asked us if we'd be interested in hearing more about a birthmother situation with twins. My emotional response was YES! Todd's rational response was NO! My mind immediately starting picturing our family going from one child to three children, thinking that I'd need a van/SUV, and was already trying to figure out how we'd get two cribs in the nursery. Todd's mind immediately went to finances, schooling/college, and how it would affect Hayden to have not only one baby taking time away from him but two. We had said "no" to multiple births on our paperwork but I truly just went along with Todd as we were filling out the paperwork way back when because I never thought the situation of twins would come up. So, Todd felt like there was nothing to discuss, that we'd already decided this back when we were doing our initial paperwork for the agency. We could have gotten pregnant with twins when going through IVF and would have loved that, but now we were in a weird spot where we actually have a choice. So, after some discussion verging on debate, we were both still sticking to our opinions. I gave Todd a couple of days to hopefully change his mind, and I spent those days praying that God would place it on Todd's heart to move forward with the twins. I also had a couple of very close girlfriends who were praying the same thing. Well, the days came and went without Todd having a change of heart. So, I called the agency and declined. I kept thinking as I was doing it that there was definitely a reason why last week's church sermon was on submission! ("Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord" Ephesians 5:22) I was at peace knowing that God was in control and that if He didn't change Todd's heart on the matter there was a reason for it, even if my heart was telling me otherwise.

This was all a few days ago and I ended up touching base with the social worker at the adoption agency again last night. During the conversation she mentioned that she was glad that we declined the twin situation. I asked her why and she said that they found out that the mother is addicted to methadone, and they also had strong concerns that she isn't going to follow through with the adoption. I couldn't believe it! It is so awesome to see how God is working in this whole process. I'm so thankful He revealed this to me right away so that I wasn't always wondering if we made the wrong decision. He is so good!

And the wait continues...

Not The One

We received a call from our placing agency in Kansas a couple of weeks ago asking if they could show our book to a birth mother who has a drug history, including drug use while pregnant. They said the family of the birth mother was looking for a Christian family. Since we had specified on our paperwork that we would prefer that the birth mother not be on drugs during the pregnancy the agency didn't show our book without calling us first. Todd and I talked about it and decided to go ahead and let them show this family our book. In the meantime, this birth mother ended up being placed in jail after being picked up on a warrant for forgery. She was seen by a doctor there and the ultrasound showed that she is having a boy and due in September. Our agency was trying to get the medical records to determine all they could about the health of the baby. On our end we began contacting pediatricians and researching the risk to the baby because of the drug use during pregnancy and talking with a legal team about going through with an adoption where the birth father is unknown (this birthmother said all she knew about the birth father was his name). During this time, she was bailed out of jail by another agency that offers bail money if the pregnant mother will sign on to use their agency for the adoption (unethical but not illegal). Luckily our agency was made aware of this red flag. Our agency sat the birth mother down and asked her which agency she was going to use for the adoption. She was adamant she was using our agency and that she wanted to match with us. She even signed a form stating as much (the form is not legally binding). However, when our agency called the other agency to notify them of this, they stated that she just had just left their agency and signed a similar form stating she was working solely with them. Once we received the information from our agency that this birth mother was working with both agencies we decided not to match with her. We were prayerful about this decision. She was being dishonest and we just did not feel that it was in our best interest to be emotionally and financially invested in a situation where the birth mother might not even be planning to work with our agency or place the child for adoption for that matter. A large sum of money is required at the time of match and is non-refundable regardless if the mother goes through with the adoption or not.

We expected to have an adoption where the birth mother and father both sign away their rights and where the birth mother takes care of herself during the pregnancy. What we're learning is that this scenario isn't the norm for adoptions. That's where faith comes in. We just have to trust that God has just the right child picked out for us and that it might not be clean and easy like we pictured. We're praying that when the right birth mother comes along and wants to match with us, we'll have a sense that this is God's plan and can move forward even if it's out of our comfort zone.

Quick Update

Don't get excited, nothing yet :) We are still waiting patiently to be matched with a birth mother. We called and got an update from our agency yesterday. They are not seeing as many birth mothers right now and said that they go through times like this where they have a lull in birth mothers and then other times where there are a lot of birth mothers. We have been called by another agency who knows of us though our home study agency, but each of the situations they presented to us were risky because the birth father had not signed away his rights. We are open to any sex and race but are more cautious when it comes to risky adoptions. We have said all along that we want to make sure all parties involved have relinquished their rights so that we don't have an issue down the road where a birth father comes back trying to claim his child. So, that's where we stand for now.